|You wouldn't know it by looking at them, but they're on to you.|
Remember when you were a kid and you wanted to have a conversation about how "cute Sam Waterman's butt looked in those jeans" or how mad you are at mom because she made you stay home from the jr. high dance because of a little fever and mild case of botulism? But you didn't want any adults in the vicinity to catch onto your really important, perhaps life-changing prepubescent conversation?
Enter "double-dutch", a type of language that takes regular English and injects it with the "I-bee" sound after the first consonant in every syllable.
Here's a sample 7th grade statement:
"Ask your mom if you can come to the sleep over, but don't tell her it's a boy-girl party."
And here's the double-dutch translation:
"Ibask yibour mibom ibif yibou ciban cibome tibo thibe slibeep ibover, bibut dibon't tibell hiber ibit's iba biboy-gibirl pibartiby."
(Some 35 yo dude just broke away from World of Warcraft and nodded slowly at this pronouncement, as if the secrets to the female gender had just been unlocked, only to have his reverie broken by a knock at his bedroom door. It was his mom bringing up a soy peanut butter and banana sandwich--crusts removed. Phew. Our secrets are safe.)
My point is that we need a double-dutch for adults. I've discovered this recently when my daughter, who will be going into 1st grade next year, listened with her head cocked like a canine during a conversation between my husband and I about the possibility of taking the kids to the p-o-o-l, and that I might take them to mc-d's afterward. She perked up and said, "I wanna go to the pool and mcdonalds!" (I know. How ever did she crack my code. I mean, I put Langley-ish effort into spelling those 2 words.) Of course,my 3 yo was then on the bandwagon and there was no way we could back out of it then. We were pool and McDonald's bound whether we liked it or not.
So here it is. Double-dutch for adults.
If you wanna say:
"I'm thinking of taking the kids to the pool. Whatcha think? "
Here's the adult double-dutch version:
"I'm pondering transporting the progeny to an aquatic recreational facility. Do you concur?"
Instead of saying:
"I don't feel like making dinner tonight. Should we order pizza instead?"
"My culinary prowess is retired. What about circular leavened bread layered with pressed curd and ground swine and bovine slices."
Don't try mouthing this behind your hand:
"I'm gonna sneak out for a few hours to get Christmas presents for the kids. Keep 'em distracted for me."
"I'll be abandoning this structure for a few 360's around Father Time's face in order to procure latter-day frankincense, which is traditional in celebrating the evacuation of Mary's uterine phenomenon.
Divert the offspring.
"I can't find the boy's Buzz Lightyear action figure. Do you think he'll still be able to sleep tonight?"
"There is an absence of a plasticine protagonist whose moniker implies an altered consciousness and 365 days of electromagnetic radiation traveling in a vacuum. Do you think REM will be achieved?"
OK, that last one is a bit confusing. But I say the more riddle-esque, the more fun!
Can you think of some too? The more the merrier.
(inspired by an episode of How I Met Your Mother, but I can't remember which one, otherwise, I'd have linked up.)