Thursday, September 15, 2011

Taxidermied Newborns

I frequently have bad dreams, but never as bad as when I was pregnant with my 1st kid.

Once I dreamt that I was in a movie like "Along Came a Spider" and I was an FBI agent investigating a string of kidnappings that raised the hairs on the back of the Bureau's neck. The victims were pregnant women in their last days of gestation.

As I interviewed people in the vicinity of the last known victim, who was of course the Senator's daughter (which is how the FBI became involved in the first place), I knocked on this guy's door and smelled something acrid and foul. Using that as reason enter for "probable cause" I busted that door open and then discovered that he was a taxidermist.

I thought "oops", and started to leave when I heard a thumping and a muffled cry. The guy, a tall lanky fellow with unwashed hair and ruddy grime under his fingernails, looked panicked, so I hand-cuffed him to a radiator and went into the guy's basement. At the bottom of the dark stairwell, I squinted to see a large chain-linked dog kennel. Inside sat a pregnant woman, cradling the swell of her belly and rocking to the sounds of her own sobs. Despite her matted swath of blonde hair and the filth camouflaging her face, I knew that she matched our victim's description. Behind her the walls of the perp's "work room" were lined with a creepy menagerie of plump gnomes, dressed and posed like dolls. One step closer and I realized they were taxidermied babies.

My lungs became a vacuum and I gasped, feeling as if someone were squeezed my airway shut. I clutched my own gut, reminding the audience of the subplot, which was that I had recently discovered my own pregnancy. [Because, yes, my nightmares generally have full plots and subplots. It's a blessing and a curse.]

And then I woke up.

I had to turn on Spongebob for like 2 hrs. to forget that dream.

It has been said that I inadvertently gave my child her first encounter with severe anxiety with that dream. I only have pregnancy to blame. And if one you dares to blame in on the amount of spicy foods I ate during my pregnancy or some other nonsense, you'll be getting narrowed eyes and an e-flip off from this momma. Obviously, I didn't mean to dream this.

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