Monday, February 27, 2012

I've got writer's constipation. It's not as gross as it sounds.

You know how at writing conferences professional writers always laugh when some greenie asks, "so where do you get your ideas?" as if learning the answer to that question will land the amateur right into a Marchesa on the red carpet (who is immediately shoved aside by the paparazzi for a better glimpse of Michelle Williams, cuz who the hell cares about the writers, right?. But it's ok, because you get to chat with Tina Fey about her love child with Jimmy Fallon who they affectionately named Angus just before child services took him away before the parents could use Angus for other satirical purposes. *cough* A Modest Proposal. Also, don't ask Tina Fey about her about the scar.)

...did I have a point to that?

Oh right.

Writers find that question so damn irritating, because the answer is anywhere and everywhere.

In the grocery store when the pregnant woman buys a multivitamins and pack of Virginia Slims.
At home when the kids invent a new language before mastering their primary one.
At work when a teacher censors a student's essay on anti-censorship.

[insert creative segue here or a picture of my dog.]
"'I wanna be sedated.' Do you like the Ramones?"

Thing is...I've got writer's block. Hell, it's more like writer's constipation. I wonder what the equivalent of Ex-Lax would be in this metaphor?

Anyway, after enlisting the help of my fb friends. One totally random--but helpful--comment reminded me that I have a bunch of posts that I started but never finished. Here they are and some other streams of consciousness. Enjoy. Or rather make me an appointment with a professional. Your choice.

  • My fishes and loaves fed 20,000. Miracles do happen. [Both of my blogs recently hit 10,000 page views. I know for some of you, that doesn't feel like much of a milestone, but it is for me. I'm pretty excited about it. I don't know how long it takes to grow blog readership, but I think I'm doing ok. I've only had one hater, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.]
  • I would've stolen diapers too. [Remember reading about all the looting in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina? Well, after having two of my own spawn, I know that I were in the same situation with two little ones and no diapers, I would've stolen them too. The last thing anyone should have to deal with in a natural freakin' disaster is their kid takin' a dump in the only pair of pants they own.]
  • I'm not sure I know what cumquat is. It's too bad there isn't something out there where I could just look it up. Or I could push a button and see pictures of cumquat. If only. [I just looked this up, and warning: the urban definition made me make this face... =O ]
  • My favorite phrase in Spanish is Abrazame muy fuerte. Why? Because 1. It's the name of a telenovela, and 2. It means "hug me really hard". Behold the cheese:

  • I used to be in a band. The Guapas Chicas. We separated because irreconcilable differences. But our motto of making up clean lyrics to songs our mothers wouldn't approve of is one thing we'll always have. That and all those love letters to Bobby. 
  • One time I got gum in my hair, and I got a really short haircut, cuz I guess my mom didn't know about the peanut butter trick. Then, she had me perm the top. Kids in my 6th grade class called me "Q-tip" for the whole year. I also wore pink sweats and a pink shirt with a cat on the front for my class photo that year. AND...(seriously, like it could get worse)...that was the year I took up cursing, only I didn't know how their parts of speech so it made for some awkward dialogue. Example:
  • Someone design me a caution sign for these babies.
    • Katie Von Perfectpants: "Can I please borrow your purple crayon?"
    • ME: "No. You piece of hell. And you can take your perfect bastard pants to damn for all I care."
  • Bennet moved to Texas and I miss her. And just because Texas has "Tex" in it, it makes me miss Texy too. And then I think about Vegas and I miss all the BGW's. See what you did, Bennet? It's like a domino effect. Guess you better move back or we might experience nostalgia on catastrophic levels. I'm not kidding. I'm about to pout a tornado up in here.
  • I'm sad that I won't be at BGW this year. But someone take a dance class for me. And someone  spoon Texy for me. And someone order a 3-foot tall smoothie from a mall for me...and then pass out in front of Gollum in a mini skirt for good measure. Man, that was a fun trip.
  • I have to hide my Chapstick from my dog and my son. For the same reason. 
  • I just got a pedicure from a Vietnamese guy (who looked like a cross between a young Sulu and the hot stuntman from The Guild). After about an hour of exfoliating and massaging during the best flipping pedicure in Feetdom, Gulu said in broken English, "I should be done by now, but I like working on your legs." The Babel fish in my ear could've hiccuped at the time, so it's possible that he said, "I should be home by now, but I like parking on tour guides." That doesn't sound any better. Plus, I hadn't even shaved. Hence the power of my gams. They're international gams. I bring the Vietnamese to their knees, or at least I made one late for a wedding reception. My gams are worth missing the "chicken or fish" for.
That's good enough. Huh. That was kinda fun. Now I see what James Joyce saw in this whole stream of consciousness deal. Thanks, JJ...but I still hate Ulysses


  1. You should be constipated more often. Great Post!

  2. Love letters to Bobby... wow, and even if they have to run away, they're going to marry in the temple someday. Brings back some good memories!



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